Communication is the Key

            Communication in marriage. Probably one of the hardest, yet at the same time easiest things about marriage. It comes in so many different forms and every marriage is different. Communication however, I believe, is one of the keys to a successful, happy marriage.

            Communication is not just about talking to one another about how your day went, or how work was, it is so much more. A key part of communication is making decisions together. You must be able to communicate to make decisions together. There are a lot of different models, if you will, about how to make decisions in marriage or even dating. There is the “compromise” which is basically “if we do this for you, then we get to do y for me”. This can work but someone always comes away better than the other and can lead to contention and fighting within the marriage. Another model is the “alternate” model. This model is alternating turns of making decisions with no input from your partner. It is “you choose this time; I’ll choose next time”. This kind of thinking can lead to blame and indecision, which can further lead to fighting.

            Personally, I don’t think either of those models work very well. Someone is always getting the short end of the stick and one person isn’t going to be truly happy with the decision that is reached. We did talk about a model in class that is pretty straight forward and can be used to make sure that all opinions are heard and acknowledged.  

            So, what is the first step to this really good way to counsel?  Start by showing and acknowledging your love and affection for one another. If you are married or even dating you have to at least have some appreciation for one another. If you don’t you should rethink things. Showing, saying, and meaning that you love one another sets the stage for the entire discussion. You can be more open with one another about things.

            The second step is to discuss until you both come to a consensus. By coming to a consensus, you can both be assured that you are both happy with the decision and that neither of you is feeling that you have been cheated or that your opinions have not been heard or validated. Reaching a consensus does not mean that one of you compromises everything and that you don’t get any of your opinions, but rather that both of you are fully aware of and satisfied with the final decision.

            My wife and I have to come to a consensus when deciding what to do for date night. It is never “I want to eat here” and “well I’ll find something to eat there.” It is “where do we both want to eat tonight, or do we both want to just get ice cream”. We both are happy with the decision we make and never feel cheated. Obviously, there are some times that we compromise and go somewhere that the other person wants to, but for the most part, we are able to work it out and both be happy.

            Now in class when we were talking about this model, Brother Williams suggested always ending a counsel with some sort of dessert as a way of ending on a good note and honestly who doesn’t want a dessert?

Overall, there are many different ways that we can communicate in our relationships and communication is a key part in any relationship. Like I said at the beginning, it can make or break a relationship. The above-mentioned model is by no means perfect, but it can help in reducing hard feelings and help to make decision making less stressful.

Try it out and see if it works for you.

            

Stress: Relationship Helper or Relationship Killer

            Stress. It can turn someone from friendly to hostile. It can cause you to be sick to your stomach or make you depressed. There are many things that can cause stress. There is good stress and bad stress. This week I just want to talk about some stressors that we may have in our lives and share some recent stressors that I had recently in my own life.

            So how can stress be a good thing? If handled correctly, stress in a relationship and within a family can actually build and strengthen familial bonds. Recently my wife and I just had our first child. Now having a child is stressful. I think that any parent would agree. While I am new to the parenting game, waking up a every few hours to change diapers is not fun and it makes me more tired and irritable. My wife is stressed that she won’t be a good mom, and I’m stressed that I won’t be a good dad. However, our child and the stress we felt and feel has brought us closer together.

            When we went into the hospital to deliver, we found out our baby was breech. That was a stressful moment. We sat down with the doctor and discussed options and ultimately, we decided to get a c-section so that it would be less stressful on the baby. Even though the c-section was planned and we were not rushed into the operating room, it was stressful. Then our baby had to spend six hours in the NICU and his mom couldn’t get out of her bed to see him. The entire time I was stressed about spending time with him and spending time with my wife and trying to make sure both of them were ok. I wasn’t actually relaxed until we got to bring him into the room to be with mom. During the whole ordeal I was a little on edge and not able to focus on much. Now that was a “good” stressor. Thinking back, yes, I was worried that something would go wrong, but at the same time I was calm-ish. My wife and I were closer during that time because of the stressful event.

            Now my son was born on a Sunday and my wife had just had a surgery so I wasn’t about to go to class on Monday. By not going to class, I missed a review for a test I had on Friday. By missing class, I was stressed about the test and not sure how well I would do on it. That was definitely a negative stressor. I worried about it all week until it came time to take the test and I only really knew three of the five theories that we were being tested on. However, after the test, I figured, “its over and there isn’t anything I can do about it”.  My stress level had decreased.

            So why is stress such a bad thing in a relationship? Well, it can lead to many different problems. If one of you is stressed out, you can take that out on your partner and they can then become stressed or frustrated and it can lead to fighting and other means of dealing with stress that are not conducive. Now I know as a guy, that it can be hard to share feelings, but I think that is one of the best ways to cope with stress. Talk about it with one another. If I am dealing with stress at work, I talk about it with my wife and she helps me to let off some steam by telling her about it. Its therapeutic in a way. Talking about it may not solve all of your problems or completely get rid of your stress, but it sure does help a lot.

            Dealing with stress is heard and there is no surefire way to completely get rid of it, but you don’t have to do it alone. Talk to your partner/spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend. They are there because they love you and want the best for you.  

Intimacy and Sharing

            Disclaimer: This topic may be one of those that is more controversial than others. Please respect each other in the comments.

            So, controversial topic time. What is it you are asking? Well we have talked about family life and kids, so what is left in a marriage? Sex and intimacy. I think that in today’s world the two are thought of as one in the same. If you are having sex, you are being intimate right? Not really. Men and women have different ideas about intimacy and that can lead to some misunderstandings in a relationship or marriage. In my personal opinion, intimacy is so much more than just going to the bedroom and having sex. I don’t know what other people think, but it is probably the best part of marriage. Intimacy means cuddling on the couch and watching a show together. It means bringing your wife flowers just because. It means cuddling at night and talking about your day and talking about what you liked and didn’t like. It is surprising each other with small gifts or going out to dinner just the two of you and putting the phones away and having a conversation. Intimacy is so much more than what people make it out to be.

            It is vital in a marriage to have more than just sex. People say that they got married because ‘the sex is great” but that won’t keep a marriage together for very long. You want it to last, you have to make an effort. I try to do all I can to help my wife out with chores around the house. When I know she is having a bad day, I surprise her with a crepe with Nutella on it and strawberries.  We work together to get things done and it has made our marriage so much better because of it. We try hard to have a date night every week to have some time just the two of us. It doesn’t even have to be anything fancy, just time for the two of us to talk and forget about the world for a while. Our marriage has been built on intimacy with one another.

            One point that I would like to bring up that we talked about in class this week when talking about intimacy was reconnecting with old friends on Facebook or talking about intimacy and sex with people, usually of the opposite gender, who are not your spouse. Now talking to old friends on Facebook, or Snapchat, or texting them isn’t inherently bad, but it is dangerous territory. Talking about intimate things with someone who isn’t your spouse is even more dangerous. Your spouse is the only person you should be talking to about such things. Let’s say that you start talking to an old friend from high school. You went on a few dates but nothing really happened. You start by just talking about what you did after high school, and your college degrees, and that turns to talking about the stresses of your job. You start to talk every day to see how they are and how they like work or school, you then start to talk to them when you are stressed, and start to share with them the intimate details of your life. You are no longer sharing with your spouse. This is why talking about intimate things is dangerous. It can lead to sharing things with people that aren’t meant to be shared outside a marriage, which can lead to other, more severe problems. Just don’t do it. Share with your spouse or significant other intimate things and keep them there.

Intimacy is special and should be kept that way. Take time to be intimate with the right person and only that person and you will see your relationship blossom.

Engagements, Weddings, and Kids

            Where to start this week? We continued with our discussion in class with the topic of engagement and marriage. Let’s start with engagement. Much like dating, it has changed a lot in the last decade. Today being engaged is just the next step in dating. Like dating, there seems to be no commitment between the two people getting engaged. Getting engaged is more than just asking someone to marry you. It is telling or rather showing that person that you are willing and already are committed fully to them and the relationship. If you have dated the right way as discussed last week, being engaged should follow naturally. By the time you are ready to get engaged, you should have already worked together to make decisions. Getting engaged shouldn’t be something you decide to do one morning. I remember when I was dating my wife, I had thought about it, and we had actually talked about getting engaged. I planned the engagement and stressed over it. When it finally came time, I knew I was ready to commit more fully than I had previously and give her everything.  After she said yes, we jumped into planning a wedding. We both knew what we wanted and we worked together to make all of the decisions as a couple. Sure, there were rough spots as in all wedding plans, but we worked through them, and when it came time to get married, we were ready. It was the best day of my life and I will remember it for forever.

            After getting married, we knew we wanted a family. We wanted to have some time married together first before having kids. I know that sounds weird to want a family so soon, but it was something we both wanted. We had been married for 5 months when we decided to have a baby. It was another one of those decisions that we discussed for a while before coming to a consensus. As of writing this, our baby is due tomorrow and we finally have everything ready for him to come to our family. We are both so excited for him. However, having a baby can be very stressful at times on both of us. Sometimes, dads feel like they aren’t as loved or as important when the baby comes, because mom is always taking care of the baby. One thing to combat this is to be very involved both before and after the baby comes. I plan to change him and burp him when he feeds at night so that I can have some bonding time with him too, and so that my wife doesn’t have to do all the work. This will also help my wife and I grow closer together as a couple. We are planning to go on walks all the time around the block so that we can still have time to talk to each other and ask about each other’s days. Date night will be ordering food, that I’ll probably go pick up and bring home to eat and watching a movie on the TV.

            Marriage and family are important to both my wife and I and we will do all we can so that nothing comes between us and our family. Having kids is stressful, but we are determined that it will only strengthen our relationship. We want to strive for a strong family full of love for each other and teach our kids the values that we learned so they can someday have a family of their own.

Dating in the Modern World

Let’s talk about dating today. Dating has almost evolved into something completely different than what it was even ten years ago. This week in our class we talked about dating trends and marriage. Dating is the first step in that process. Well technically, meeting someone is the first step in the process. Dating should be more than hanging out with a group of mixed guys and gals. It is something that goes beyond just talking to a guy or girl about life. Dating, according to Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles need three things. It needs to be planned, paid for, and paired off. Let’s look at each of these individually.

Planned

Planning a date consists of more than just asking a girl or guy to come over and watch a movie, or go get a drink right them. Planning a date takes time. If you have previously talked to your prospective date, you should know some of their interests. Take them fishing, or dancing, or rock climbing, but have it prepared in advanced. If you are going fishing, have all the gear, a spot to go, and a set time that you will be there. Then ask something to the effect of “Hey X, I know you like fishing and I was wondering if you wanted to go with me this Saturday from 8 to 10?” Then when they say yes you can tell them you have all of the stuff and that you will pick them up at 8. Planning actually takes a little bit of work and shows your prospective date that you are willing and able to commit for 2 to 3 hours to them and that you actually care.

Paid For

What does this mean? This means that if you have planned that you know any costs that will arise in the course of the date. If you are going out to dinner as part of the date, the person who asked should pay. It’s common for each person to pay for their own meal, but that doesn’t show commitment. Again, this commitment is only for like 2 hours at most. It is not “I’m taking you to dinner so we have to commit to dating exclusively”, its simply “I’m going to pay because I asked you on a date and I want to show commitment to you for these next 2 hours”.  It’s something simple that will show your date that you care.

Paired Off

This part is perhaps one of the most looked over parts of actually dating. Hanging out in a big group is not dating. Repeat with me “Hanging out in a big group is not dating”. Now I’m not saying you can’t go on a group date, but if boy A asks girls A out, she should be his focus and he should be her focus for the duration of the date. You should not ask someone on a date and then just treat them as another person in the group. Pay for them. Make that two-hour commitment to them. That may seem hard, but it can be done. If you want to go on a date with girl or boy B, then wait until after the date and ask them on another date. It isn’t wrong to go on a date one day with one person and a new person another day.

Dating is all about getting to know lots of people so that you can see what you like in a person and hopefully you can find someone who has some to most of the qualities that you like. Go on several dates, with several people. Get to know them. Find someone that you enjoy having fun with. Dating should not be stressful and more often than not it is. There shouldn’t be any pressure to take the girl or guy in your class, or church, or wherever else on a single date. After all the worst they can say is no.